St. Paddy’s Weekend

So, this weekend I decided to drink with my friends. Just like any normal 21 year old girl would do. Heck, it was St. Paddy’s and I’ve never been to a bar since I turned 21. So, I made plans with a guy I was kinda into and he was excited to come see me and then two days before showing up he just kinda fell off the face of the earth…more like he just stopped talking to me and not other people. So yeah, I was disappointed. So, I went to the bar with a friend since all my other friends cancelled on me, like always, and then I realized how hard it is to find true friends. I miss not having to worry about people showing up, I miss everyone wanting to be around me but to be honest friends start sucking as you grow older. I have maybe a handful of friends who I can rely on. And that’s pretty sad. And of course at the bar I saw this gorgeous guy who kept smiling at me and the only thing going through my head was how much I wished he would come over and ask to buy me a drink, to make me feel like the prettiest girl in the bar…just make me feel wanted. But nope, he kept smiling, glancing over every now and then, and then just left with his friends. I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed. And of course when people drink, the admit crazy things. As it turns out, I wasn’t the only one drinking on St. Paddy’s…I know, shocker, just kidding…and this guy who broke my heart messaged me telling me how much he missed me and wanted to be with me. Of course I was flattered…until I figured out he only wanted to have sex with me because we never got to have sex before he turned me down and didn’t actually want to be with me. So I was devastated. I wanted someone to want me so badly…I still do. I want someone to love me and not disappoint me all the time. I’m so tired of putting so much effort into relationships that turn into a one way street. So, feeling sorry for myself I laid in bed crying thinking about everyone who’s hurt me and everyone I’ve hurt and deciding I didn’t deserve to live and watching tv shows where people are getting married and having kids and just thinking about how that’s never going to be me. I literally started crying at the Daddy Daughter dance at the wedding thinking how much I’ll be missing out on. Until I realized how much I’ve overcome. After everything that I’ve been through I’m going to let a couple of pathetic guys tear me down? I’ll find someone to love someday and hopefully he’ll love me as much as I love him. Maybe I’ll get married, have kids but I’m 21 years old, I don’t need my entire life to be planned out right now. I still think it’s pretty pathetic I’m 21 years old, been on one date my entire life, and never had a boyfriend but what the heck, it’ll happen eventually. I’m sorry this post is rather depressing but it’s been a crazy ride these past couple weeks. We all have our depressing moments but we just gotta keep our chins up and keep pressing on. Don’t give up on yourself just because some pathetic guy or girl did because no matter what, I’ll always love you all.

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