The Night That Haunts Me Day and Night

I wake up scared all the time. I feel safe at home but the dreams just won’t go away. Here at college, sleep evades me. I don’t see when I can ever sleep right again. The dreams….the dreams of the night he took everything from me. The dreams of me crying, begging for him to stop, begging for him to just let me leave. The dreams, the memories, of him raping me. To be afraid of a name give the thing power so I will scream his name because he will never have power over me again. Tyler. His full name sends shivers up my spine and gives my arms goosebumps. Let’s be honest, so does just his first name. I have to let the words out before they cause me to explode. Tyler raped me. He took advantage of my trust and broke every ounce of that trust when he kissed me, I pushed him away and said, “No, you said you just wanted to be friends” and he replied, “I changed my mind” angered, I answered, “It doesn’t mean I changed mine.” He stopped. I thought that was the end of it, we’d just continue to watch South Park or put on a movie. He said he wanted to change so he went in his room and came back out in some shorts. But he was always in shorts when we hung out. I should have left while he was changing, how didn’t I see the signs? I guess I just thought we were closer than that, that he respected me more than that, I guess he was just good at hiding who he was or manipulation. I never thought anything like that could happen to me. Him pushing me to the futon kissing me, me pushing him away and saying no, and him smirking as he said, “you know you want it.” Me saying no again. Crying as his fingerprints bruised into my arms. As he pushed his body onto mine while ripping my pants off as I gripped them as hard as I could. Why couldn’t I be wearing tighter pants? Why did I have to forget my belt that day? I cried, begging him to stop, begging his roommates to come help but no one did and he didn’t stop. He put himself inside of me and I never experienced that much pain in my life. The paralyzing pain froze me where I lay. He just kept going, harder and harder until he came inside of me. He went to the bathroom and I ran to the other. I had to pee, to clean up, I never felt so disgusting. I knew he would be out by the time I was done so I hesitated before opening the door, the fear of what would happen next ringing in my ears. I came out of the bathroom and his roommates were there, congratulating him, laughing, high-fiving. I went towards the door and he said “sorry” sorry? Sorry doesn’t change anything. I left and didn’t look back. A few nights later he text me and asked if he could come to Easter. Easter, when I thought I would be nice enough to invite him since otherwise he would be alone because he lived out of state. The only thing I could say was no because that night. That night when he raped me. That’s the night that haunts my dreams and my thoughts. Day and night. At least after a year, it’s gotten better. Better…it hasn’t gone away. I don’t think it will ever just go away.

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